THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR AUTOMATON
There is a certain decorum that is upheld within the world of funeral service, and rightly so – but it should be upheld only to the degree that it comforts and does not alienate. There are ways of handling things in my world that can give solace or add to someone’s discomfort, depending upon the viewpoint of the onlooker and the sensitivity of the funeral director. I must admit, in the novice years, the “way of behaving” formula in funeral service that is largely taught is a source for “status quo,” but this should change with experience, growth, and with the thousand and one interactions someone like me has in the public experience.
For those of you who have been reading my posts on Facebook, you probably are aware that I am not the formal funeral director type: “My sincere condolences sir, in the loss of your... “(fill in the blank). I’m more the
hello neighbour type: “I’m so sorry you had to call me today, John. I know nobody
wants to call me!” A different tone.
I recall going into a funeral home in Toronto to give my condolences to the family of a friend. I was greeted at the door by a starched and stiff individual who kept their hands behind their back the entire time while leaning forward slightly, in some kind of half-bow, giving me directions as to where to find the visitation suite. When I found the room, the lady outside the door of the suite, stood motionless, eyes forward, silent – about as lively as the decedent inside the room. That sense of rigidity didn’t make me feel terribly comforted. Quite honestly, it put me off a bit. Perhaps it was me? The funeral home was old and respected. It had its reputation.
What I see when someone comes in to obtain my services or simply wants to talk about things, is someone who, while surely an individual, is also connected to this very personal journey of coming to terms. Being older now, I have had to reckon with that coming to terms myself, several times, through deaths and shared stories. I balance perspectives. It’s personal, it’s universal – this dying we all experience. They may be processing a death just as I have done. They may be in a cloud of questions, as I have been. They may feel smothered under a torrent of changes that are not yet fully understood, as I have felt myself to be. And this empathy is as it should be.
I can’t tell you how many times these vignettes I’ve heard have ballooned out into my understanding that this will come to us all. It’s that back-and-forth fluctuation of you are me and I am you in this, that allows a funeral director, as far as I’m concerned, to adapt to and understand the very specific feelings of those who have come to them for help. It’s that very real voice that tells me
I am not immune that makes what I do very personal and of service to people. And it’s that service that I’m blessed to give that makes me grateful. And of course, it’s that self-same thing that makes me unable to act like that rigid funeral director automaton.
And so, you can imagine that I am completely opposed to some directors I’ve known who feel that directing things is our primary job and how the job should go. Stand apart. Keep focused on the goal of the day and on achieving it, whatever that might be. Follow the plan. But the very nature of what I deal with is sometimes unpredictable, sometimes takes a pause for emotion. What we are dealing with binds us as human beings. Stressful? Emotional? Sad? Yes – sometimes. That all gets cleansed through the privilege of the job. Professionalism is always there, but fluidity and shared understanding should never be compromised by that professionalism. And yes, the odd time I will have someone say: “I don’t know how you can do what you do,” thinking it depressing, thinking it morose. But that’s okay so long as I know how to do it! I smile. I say: “it’s not for everyone.”
There’s a saying I heard once that goes: “To be a good fisherman you must detach yourself from the dream of the fish.” Well, in my world and particularly on funeral day: “To be a good funeral director you must detach yourself from the dream that you are the one who knows everything, directs everyone, and will not die.” That brings anyone’s personal grieving into my own personal space and that is where it may be held between us, walked alongside and shared in any way necessary, for the both of us to comprehend how profoundly the world has changed.
UNTIL SOON. LIVE WELL.
